Admitting

Admitting..

I've always had a hard time admitting things..
And today I realize I can't escape the truth anymore..
It's caught up with me..

I've been at a halt for too long now..
My life recently has been one big holiday..

No work, No school, No responsibility,
Nothing to do..
And that how I realize my life was something else..
When I had him..
I was motivated to work..
to see him..
Motivated to move out..
so I could be with him..
But now that I lost him..
I've been running from one place to another..

Waiting for something new to happen..
But I've been too caught up with trying to run from the hurt..
From the FACTS..
That I don't stay long enough to find out..

Yes I need to find a new motivation to try harder..
To achive something..
But I..
I try to ignore the opportunities..

I tried loving again..
But I can't get myself to do it..
I tell myself LIES..

Just so I can't feel the pain..
I try not to sink in the pain..

I tell myself I'm not broken..
There is no moving on to be done..
  But when in fact..
I've been living in a halt..
There are days when I need to consume so much..
alcohol..
In order to forget..
I need to be with someone who would make me forget..
I even end up using the ones I could have
a proper relationship with..

And that's not 1/2 of it..
I travel back to hk..
Every now and then.. just so I could be near him..
Just so I could be in the same country as him..
How sad is that..
I even reason out my friends to myself..
In order to lie about that..

I've recently spent 1/2 of what I've saved up..
I don't know I'm being really stupid..
AGAIN..

And I'm not very proud of what I'm doing..
I'm pretty ashamed..
But still I can't help but wonder..
What happened to him and I?
I have so many questions to ask him..
But.. I'm kinda certain..
I'll never get the answer..

Well..
What's there to admit?
I've gotta admit loss..
Admit the hurt..
Admit the pain it's causing me..
Me and my wallet..
Admit my life is at a halt..
Admit I miss him..
Admit I need him..
Admit I still LOVE HIM..
Admit I've hurt others for the sake of not getting hurt..
Admit I've been pretending to be happy..
Admit I've neglected others because of whats happening..
Admit I've put away my principals..
Admit I've thrown away my pride..
My.. self respect and values..
Admit I need to get back on track and move on..

I am so ashamed of myself..
Thats a whole lot of admittng to be done..
 
anyway this is my other........ blog.. suppose to be i couldn't choose..

Admitting..

For too long now I've been LYING TO MYSELF..
But today NO LIE could get me through..
The truth finally caught up with me..

Since I lost "him"..
I've been at a halt..
My life in particullar became a holiday..
And it's nothing to be envious about..
Nothing to be proud of..
I'm actually ASHAMED because of it..

Since I lost "him"..
I lost the motivation to do something more than I do..
Because of "him"..
I work.. to see him..
Because of "him"
I moved out.. to be with him..

But now I have lost him..
I couldn't be motivated enough..
To even live another day..

I constantly sleep..
And sleep somemore after that..
And I lie to myself about that too..
I tell myself it's ok..
Or that the pain of losing him didn't get to me..

I lie so much about that to myself..
When people ask me how I am..
I tell myself..
And others..

"I'M OK"


When infact I'm shattered..
When infact I'm so hurt..
I can lay still in my bed and not move..
For the rest of my life..

But then  I can't moke about it..
I can't show that side of me..
People need a happy me..
The strong side of me..
So I get up and smile..
Tell myself theres no space for tears..
For pain..
I've gotta get up and live forward..

That's what I like to call it..
Live forward..
I say I'm not broken..
for me to fix up..
I'm not stuck..
I'm not in a halt to move on..
Cause I'm always moving..
Back and fort.. Korea to HK..
HK to Korea..

So instead I'm living forward..
"Living Forward"
Sounds good huh?

I'll explain that later..
But for now.. I'm all about admitting..
Well anyway..
Today as I sat up in my couch..
I realize how I never had time to do that before..
When I was with him..
It's been ages I know..
But it all seemed like yesterday..
Anyway..
As I was sitting.. realizing how I never had the time to
do what I was doing..
Well.. It was because I was working all the time then..
Or that I was kept busy by him..

But now..
All I've been is at a halt..
When I stay long enough in korea to realize these things..
I fly to HK..
But I've just been from HK..
So.. Theres no running away now..

I've tried to love again..
Find another way to be motivated..
But..
I fail..
And I just lie to myself somemore..
Saying that I don't need him..
I don't want him..
When infact.. I know I do..
I want him back..
I need him back..

Now the admitting part..
I guess it's time I admit..
It's time I stop pretending..
I stop lying..
Hurt so much for me to admit this but I do Miss him..
I do want him back..
And I wish things were back to before..
I don't mind the hardship..
I actually love it..
Because I was him..

"OH WELL"
Right?
Oh well.. Oh well..

Anyway enough about it..
I don't wanna get all down about it..
it's been 1/2 a year now..
Wow been that long.. But still no progress ei?

Well there is someone in my mind that I'm hoping will
and would take "his" place..
Though the truth is..
No one will ever replace him..

Gwapita

Confidence..

Confidence..

What is it really about?
Why is it so important?
And how come when you don't have it.. things turn shitty?

Well confidence.. Is being strong enough to get what you want..
To be what you are.. And it helps make the most out of you..
In some cases the best out of you..
And without it.. You could lose the will to do anything..
To try.. To live.. To be successful..
Like somethings forever holding you back.. 

And it's like a candy someone could steal from you..
Take away from you.. by putting you down..
Making you feel like nothing..
Making you feel that you should be ashame of yourself..

But know this.. It doesn't matter if they do that..
Don't ever let anyone get to you..
(But don't put an armour on.. Not everyones out to get you..)
Realize that you should be nothing more than confident..
Because of everything you've been through.. You've gone through..
No body.. As in NOBODY.. Could ever be you..

Remember the things you've done in life..
Things you've accomplish..
And no matter what others think or say..
It doesn't matter..

What matter is that you know who you are..
You stay that way.. I mean scew them..
Theres things you do that they can't ever do..
Like love the way you do.. Cook the way you do..
Sing the way you do.. Even if you can't sing at all..

Confidence starts from within..
You should always be confident..
Because no matter where you go..
What you do.. Who you are.. 
Theres always someone out there..
Who could be worst than you..
Who could be less fotunate than you..

So be confident.. And when you're not feeling confident..
Say these words to yourself OUT LOUD..
"I AM STRONG, I AM BEAUTIFUL IN AND OUT,
I AM SPECIAL, I AM SMART, I AM KIND,
I AM CARING, I AM LOVING AND I AM LOVED.."
"AND THAT I AM NEEDED BY SOMEONE OUT THERE"
Repeat it if neccessary.. And say it like you mean it..

Ask yourself.. Have you got anything to be ashamed of?
Have you done something that hurt others?
Have you stepped on anyone?
If you have.. Tell this to yourself..
"I AM ONLY HUMAN.. I MAKE MISTAKES.."
And be confident not to do it again..

Some people perhaps are a bit too confident..
And it's a good thing..
It's just that.. It can get a bit intimidating to others..
Sometimes when we get a little too confident..
We annoy people..
It's a good thing to ignore what others say..
But ignoring all of it can hurt the ones that cares..
And push the ones you love away..

And too much confidence can seem like you're showing off..
Or that you are badly seeking attention..
And I don't think anyone wants that..
Unless you have a disorder..
Even actors and actresses don't get over confident..

Being over confident can get you blind..
It can cripple you too..
Not literally cripple you..

Remember that story of "The Turttle and The Rabbit..
The turttle won.. Because it was confident it will..
(He was lucky that the rabbit slept..
It would have been embarrassing if the rabbit didn't sleep..)
And the rabbit lost because it was too confident..
That the turttle would lose because it was slow..
My point is.. If the rabbit wasn't so confident..
It could have won..
And the turttle.. is also kinda too confident..
To race with the rabbit..

Thats what I call "The classic of being over confident.."
And no body likes that..
See how much everybody hated the rabbit..
Because it was always so confident it'd win..
Just because it knows it's fast..
And see how everyone was so happy..
That someone finally stepped in and kicked the rabbits ass..

So yea.. the whole point of this blogg..
Is that everyone should be confident..
Because everyones has been nothing but themselves..
And that we are all only human.. We are all equal no matter who we are..
But then again.. Don't let your confidence be your down fall..
Because all you'll have is yourself to blame.
And I'm sure you don't want that..

Well that's it.. Not really an emo blogg..
But today I got to thinking about it..
Because I'm not so confident myself..
And when I really see that I'm not..
I say those words to me..
And I wanted to share that to all of you..
Thanks for taking the time to read this..

Gwapita

Random

Today.. 2 - 19 - 07

World outside seems brighter,
than ussual..
And I have a smile in my face,
finally I've accepted..

So many shit happened,
during the last time I blogged..
So how do I even beggin,
to tell them all..

Well lets first start with my EX,
yes EX..
He and I are really done for,
and theres no more turing back..

On the day I left for korea,
he and I had a wager..
A simple bet,
to test him of his love..

And it was just if he could,
bring me at the airport..
If he did "he loves me",
and if he didn't "he doesn't love me"..

And obviously he didn't,
well talked to him over the mail..
Forgived him and everything,
wishing he'd come over to try to get me back..

But unfortunately for me,
he didn't..
And I couldn't stay here in korea anymore,
waiting for things to happen..

So I went back to Hong Kong,
and to my unexpected surprice..
His gotten himself a girlfriend,
it hurted me..

I wanted to say mean words to him,
say mean things about his girl..
Instead I held my tounge,
Swallowed the past and walked passed him..

Like he wasn't there,
I know that wasn't enough..
If ever I begin to compare,
the pain he'd put me through..

Then some people talked to me,
they told me he still loved me..
That he realizes,
he'd never have anyone love him like I did..

But you know what readers,
I don't care anymore..
I just can't,
my heart had just about had it..

I know,
what a waste of my time and effort..
Patience and loyalty,
but not to worry readers it's not my loss..

For I was the one,
who went through a lot, gave up a lot..
For I was the one,
who was stupid YET LOVED..

So therefor,
the loss and the fault was not my own..
Now I'm back in korea again,
only for a short while..

And I'm goin to start a whole new life,
I'm going to start over again..
And I hope I find someone new,
who could love me much better..

I know he would be reading this,
so for you here a little message..
"Good luck! I hope she loves you more than I do",
"I hope she makes you happy more that I did"..

"Because if she doesn't",
"It'd be such a shame for you"..
"You totally lost me completely",
"for someone who couldn't ever even offer 1/2 of what I gave"..

"I will always love you",
"and I've accepted that I'll always will"..
"But it's time for me to think about me",
"and get on with life without you"..

 --------------------------------------------------------------------

Emo Poem

"Questions"

How do I begin to express my pain?
How do I keep my mind from goin insane..

How do I tell myself I'd be alright,
When I know I'd be alone again tonight..

Why did you break my heart? I want to know..
What made you suddenly have to go?

How could you hurt me? Just like that..
When you use to tell me I'm all you've got..

How could you push me away and tell more lies,
About the love you have, never dies..

When infact you have another girl, who calls you her own,
And have me standing here feeling all alone..

What are you expecting me to feel,
And how could you act so casual like none of it was real..

Do you think I'm just making all this up?
Please tell me when will all the hurting stop?

Don't you know that I'm so tired of this?
I'm so tired of always being last on your list..

Perhaps it's time I end it all, don't you think?
Before I have to go start seeing a shrink..

--------------------------------------------------------------

Things happened to me..
And going to happen to me..
Since my last blog..

Got to korea..
Hanged about..
Went snowboarding a lot..
Fractured 2 of my ribs..
Literally found out what a mouse trap feels like..
After 2 months went back to Hong Kong..
Found out I've been replaced in his heart..
Met Helex really nice guy..
Got back here in korea last sunday..
Yesterday went out skating..
Then went to hang about in itaewon..
Met another flip names arlu..
Younger than me..
His like a little brother to me though..
Went snowboarding today..
Realize some stuff..
Went to meet up with arlu again..
With my sister of course..
Gointo meet a friend on thursday..
Go back to Hong Kong on sunday..
Work..
Save cash..
Go Philippines for easter vacation..
Go Japan for the summer..
Then MAYBE stay in korea for 3 years..
Oh yea I signed up for the army..

other than that.. you'll have to wait for my next blog..

 

Idle relationship..

When the relationship we once had..
Became too Idle to stay?
Is there anything more..
for me to say?

Emo blog..

HelLo XaNGeRz..

This Is Another Emo Blog..

I just wanna share my thoughts..
well first of all..
I'd like to ask you people questions like..
how would you feel if your special one..
did something you told him you hate..
you told him/her almost a million times before..
yet he/she still went ahead..
this thing may not be a biggie..
but it's a big deal to you..
and yea.. so you start feeling shit..
you tell him/her that this will make you loose interest in him/her..
and then he/she still pisses you of with it..
Then of course you get piss off..
well that's my situation right now..
i'm not asking much from this person..
i just want him to consider my feelings..
and show that he's been paying attention to what i'm saying..
ok to make things clear..
he did something i told him i hate..
it's like his not listening..
then he still tries to piss me off even more..
i mean come on.. can't he think about what i'm feeling at that moment?
doesn't he get i'm pissed off already..
and as me..
i know what i'd do..
i'll just don't care anymore..
for him too..
i'd do things i like without considering his thoughts and feelings..
but............
that was me before there was him..
in my life..
now i just don't know..
and his kinda confident i'm not gonna do anything stupid..
that i love him so much..
And I DO..
it's just..
maybe it's time i become myself again..
though i'm still myself..
not just like before..
I changed for him..
now is it time i change for myself?
i keep telling myself
"yes it's time..........."
my head knows what i need to do..
i just can't seem to get myself to doing anything..
my hearts getting in the way..
though it's hurting more that it can take..
it just learn to push a little more..
take a little more..
isn't that pathetic?
 but honestly.. i just don't know till when i can keep pushing..
i might push myself over the edge..
i might just loose it..
and i probably will..
i wish he could start thinking about me too..
so i can honestly tell myself..
hey his thinking about you too..

i hate admitting this to myself..
but the truth is..
i'm just an option to him..
while his my priority..
and that he'd more likely think about what his friends..
his workmates, his boss
and other people would say..
than what i have to say..
than what i would feel..
than what i could think..

see i'm not blind..
because i see these things..
it's just that i'm hopeless..
still living in my little dream of..
happiness.
in my little lie..
and that i'm scared..
of..
realizing..
waking up..
being lonely..
starting over..
and most of all..
not being able to give the kind of love..
i'm giving out now..

because i know..
and i strongly believe..
that once someone had loved this way..
and let go of it..
that person could never love the same..
ever again..
on the next time round..
there will be precoutions..
and there will be boundries..
that will limit love..
limit its fullest capabilities..
in order not to get hurt..
a person can learn..
but hell..
it still just wont be the same..
because there will be that strong beat in the heart..
the beat is not because it's inlove..
but because it's scared..
it's afraid..
and letting go of that fear ain't easy..
simply because..
everytime..
the one that persons inlove with is out of sight..
that beat comes back..
and it's not so easy to ease..
and that beat is so painful..
it's so easily breaks anyones heart..
no matter how strong he/she is..
though that beat does tell that person that..
hey your really inlove..

i should now..
i've been inlove before..
and this is the second time..
i let myself be like this..
and if i do.. let go now..
what more would be?
like i said..
when i love.. I really love..

well thats the end of my emo blog..

Gwapita